Navigating the Bloodbath of Mosquito Season

on Apr 20, 2024

Here in Florida, I panicked nonetheless, scrambling into the backpack to pull on the long-sleeved shirt. Yes, I am a bean-brained dunderwhelp, you don't need to tell me. Doing this trapped a slew of mosquitos inside the shirt. I lost access to any words that don't start with F. My bug spray, I realized, was from the self-care milieu and loaded with skin-soothing agents. At this moment, I needed a repellent that said, you know, RAMBO FIRST BLOOD PART TWO.

Later, in my academic studies, I learned mosquitoes are attracted to carbon dioxide. This makes sense. I was exhaling massive amounts of it as I ran for my life down the trail, blowing wind like the Norse god Odin, just puffs of air punctuated with F-words. Puff, #^%*, puff $*#%, puff, %$@#.

After fleeing the 74th Annual Hunger Games, I proceeded to spend the rest of the day itching and slapping my persons. Those who have ever been covered in bugs know they will be psychologically covered in bugs for the foreseeable future.

If you are venturing into any swampy hinterlands between now and the fall, you'll want bug spray with DEET, picaridin and other federally reviewed and approved chemicals. Nothing that comes in a mail-order beauty box alongside an eyeshadow palette. You'll want sleeves all over your body, something thick like denim, wool or velvet. Yes, wear a full velvet suit in the middle of summer. This is the option, I'm sorry.

Lastly, as I sit in the comfort of home scratching copious welts like a flea-ridden dog... maybe consider holding off. Take a tip from the mosquitoes themselves. After the buffet, the females retreat to a dark and shady resting spot to digest. This process can take three days. That's right. The mosquitoes take three days off to avoid being eaten. How sharp they are.

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Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on Twitter or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

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