... continued from above

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father, watching as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in ...Read more

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Dot.

Dot who?

Dots for me to know, and you to find out.

The Day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to:

Single__, Married__, Divorced___ .

I marked single. Glancing the man next to me who was also filling out the form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks.

Instead he'd written, "Yes, in that order."

... continued from above

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. Ahhh, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

13. Yes, I am ...Read more

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just ...Read more

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution.

"No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the ...Read more

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!"

He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again.

So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a ...Read more

The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."

... continued from above

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are ...Read more

... continued from above

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Continued below...

National Lottery Jet Set

Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?

Contestant: William Shakespeare.

Chris Searle Show, BBC Radio Bristol

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan.

Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, ...Read more

Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago.

The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half.

I asked him about this. He then told me "well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so...Read more

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. ...Read more

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp...yada yada yada!

This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three of them. You only get one ...Read more