The idyllic holiday scene — piles of presents, smiles all around — rarely matches reality. Who among us hasn’t faced the awkward silence of a gift that falls flat? Who hasn’t been disappointed by one we’ve received?

Why then, do we get it wrong so often? Why are we so bad at giving gifts? I’ve researched these questions through the lens of social psychology, trying to understand the psychological science of gift giving in hopes of helping gift givers make better choices. And the good news is that after 10 years, we have some answers that could help every gift giver make better choices.

The first thing to appreciate is that even though we all act as gift givers and gift recipients, we don’t typically do so at the same time: Even when exchanging gifts, we are thinking like a giver in advance, and then thinking like a recipient in the moment. This creates what is called an empathy gap. In short, when we are acting in one capacity, say as a gift giver, we typically do not consider or empathize with what it would be like to be a gift recipient. We apply a totally different psychology to gift giving than we do to gift receiving.

This can be as simple as considering what matters most to gift givers and recipients. When we give gifts, what we tend to believe matters most is the moment of the gift exchange — the moment when a recipient unwraps their gift and sees it for the first time. We want that big “wow” moment where we see a huge smile and know that we’ve done a good job. The problem is that this moment, the big reveal, typically lasts for just a few seconds, but the recipient is stuck with the gift for much longer. What we know matters to the recipient, instead, is much less the moment of exchange, but rather the entirety of the gift’s ownership.

Consider a novelty gift like a mug with a witty phrase like “World’s Best Procrastinator.” That’s sure to make someone chuckle when they see it, but then it’ll probably sit in their pantry collecting dust for who knows how long. Or consider a tchotchke that is intended to help decorate a home. It may spark excitement at first, but then the recipient is left with fitting it into the décor of their home … no small task, and often an unwanted chore.

Some gifts can leave a great first impression, but then fall flat later on. As gift givers, we need to think about the long-term implications of a gift, because that is what recipients truly value. As uninspired as it sounds, something like a toaster oven can be an amazing gift because it will be useful. It might not be the most exciting gift when it is opened, but your recipient will think fondly of you every time they use it.

Beyond the useful, it’s important to consider that recipients care more about thoughtfulness than just about anything else. After all, what is a gift if not a way to show someone that you care about them and are thinking of them? What that implies, and what the science of gift giving endorses, is that cost is not what dictates how much a recipient loves a gift. In fact, research suggests that there is virtually no relationship between the price of a gift and how much a recipient likes it. Instead, what recipients value is something thoughtful. That can be a freshly baked batch of cookies, or a nicely framed photograph of a treasured shared past experience, or even just a sincerely written note on a holiday card. Science tells us that recipients value the care a giver puts into their gift, and not its cost.

We can take this one step further and appreciate that thoughtfulness doesn’t come only on holidays and special occasions like birthdays. Instead, one can be thoughtful any day of the year! And what we’ve learned is that thoughtfulness on random days — not special occasions — is much easier to convey. A gift given out of the blue shows a recipient that they are being thought of not just on, say, their birthday, but all the time. These “just because” gifts are seen to be far more valuable to recipients than those that they receive at moments when they are expecting to be given gifts, such as holidays.

Putting this all together, science shows us that the best way to give great gifts is to stop thinking like a gift giver, and instead start thinking like a gift recipient. We’ve all been in that role before, so consider what gifts worked for you and take it from there. Appreciate that being stuck with a bad gift is far from ideal and that the gifts we cherish most are the ones that make us feel cared for. If you can apply these lessons to your own gift giving, your recipients are sure to smile not just when they unwrap your gift, but when they treasure it for years to come.

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Jeff Galak, co-founder of the GiftStar AI, is an associate professor of marketing and social and decision science at Carnegie Mellon University.

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