ArcaMax

One of the great things about being a parent is getting to witness your child become who they are. The process can be scary, though. Kids try on different personas in attempts to figure it all out while in an environment that is inherently unkind: school. Peers can be brutally honest and not very kind. Parents naturally want to protect their children from being judged, but we must also resist trying to shape children in a way that stifles their exploration. We want them to resist the urge to merely fit in. We want them to be their best while finding safe spaces where they feel a real sense of belonging.

Someone recently asked me for advice on how to help their daughter. She wanted to do something different with her hair but feared the social repercussions -- getting teased about it. Kids have such little control of their lives, hairstyle should be a low-stakes way to explore their identity. It grows back! One of my daughters shaved her head in high school, and the other one shaved one side and dyed the rest purple. Both looked amazing.

What I told my girls when the mean kids got to them was this: School is the only place you'll ever be where you have no choice regarding the people you spend time with. School placement is based on zip code or parental choice. As adults, we get to choose our job, our friends and our spouse. We get to decide which neighborhood to live in and what city. One of the perks of adulting is the freedom to walk away when something no longer serves us. It's hard and painful, but the choice is still ours.

Adolescence offers no such freedoms. Kids are dumped into a school situation because learning is necessary. Sure, they can find their people within this construct via clubs and special interests, but they do not get to walk away when things go wrong -- unless an adult steps in and intervenes to provide another solution the child did not choose.

So how do we help kids through it? We listen. We validate their feelings and try to offer a buffer of compassion. Peers will be cruel no matter what you do, so you may as well commit to figuring out who you want to be for you. And it's OK if what you want changes over time. We should all evolve as we learn about ourselves. My grandmother used to tell me that when you stop learning, you stop living. So, go ahead and try all the different things, figure out what you like and reject what you don't.

Social dynamics are hard, especially in the teen years. And sometimes adolescence and high school is just something you have to get through. In the end, the one person who will for sure be there for you is you. So, kids need to cultivate their identity on their own terms, spend time there and take comfort in the strong foundation they're building. Let that be the consistent message from the grown-ups in their lives.

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