ArcaMax

I now officially call to order this month's meeting of the Trump Campaign Action Committee, which, as all of you know, is responsible for updating the public on progress made on the topics that are near and dear to the heart of Donald J. Trump, former and future president.

I see that our meeting today is a little bit less well-attended than in previous months, which is understandable as our other committee members are all very busy draining the swamp in Washington, D.C. And by draining the swamp, I mean draining the wetlands to create a dance floor for the massive, insider-heavy inauguration party we're throwing, financed with millions of dollars in fear money from tech bros trying to buy their ways into Trump's good graces!

But anyway, I'm here, so I'll be happy to fill you in on where we are with some of the most crucial issues from the campaign.

First and foremost, I'd like to talk to you about election integrity. You probably remember the various ways that Trump called into question the results of the 2024 election in the run-up to Election Day, with this particularly memorable quote from a Wisconsin campaign rally:

"When we win, we're going to prosecute people that cheat on this election," Trump said in one of just dozens of times that he suggested or outright claimed that election interference would skew the election results in Vice President Kamala Harris' favor. He also claimed that millions of illegal immigrants were being put onto voter rolls.

I will admit that since the election, there has been significantly less (as in, no) discussion of fixing what the GOP has repeatedly called our "rigged" presidential elections. But there's an excellent reason for that: Trump won!

Now, some of you might say the silence shows that Trump, VP-elect JD Vance and dozens of other Republican politicians never actually believed that our elections were in jeopardy at all and that they were just laying the groundwork for falsely claiming cheating if Trump lost. But that's not true at all. You can believe anything if you put your mind to it, even ridiculous lies with no supporting evidence whatsoever. Just look at anti-vaxxers!

I'd also like to talk about the whole tariff thing. As we all know, Trump pledged during the campaign a 10% universal tariff on all imports, a 25% tariff on imports from Canada and Mexico, and a 60% tariff on Chinese goods.

There have been recent rumors -- unsubstantiated, mind you, by anyone other than the three sources inside the Trump camp who spoke on the record to The Washington Post -- that aides are now significantly paring back on the tariff plan, which economists had said would likely increase prices on many things that Americans buy.

Critics might say that now that the wild and heady days of the campaign are over, more level-headed thinking is prevailing. They might even say that Trump and his associates were aware all along that tariffs wouldn't bring prices down but that they didn't care if it helped them win. Furthermore, they might suggest that Trump's cohorts are craven sycophants who believed his constituents too dumb or uneducated to understand that the president has little to no control over costs, specifically, and the economy, more generally.

But none of that is true! It's just that the entire Trump administration is sorta, well, adrift, after almost all the non-crazy people jumped ship at some point in the last eight years. It's not corruption! It's incompetence!

Finally, I'd like to talk about the vital matter of illegal immigration and the upcoming deportations of millions of migrants.

"We'll get (the) National Guard, and we'll go as far as I'm allowed to go, according to the laws of our country," Trump said to Time magazine before the election. "Whatever it takes to get them out."

He promised to kick out everyone, and that included the migrants picking strawberries in California for sub-minimum wage and working dangerous construction projects for Ohio homeowners who can't afford to pay bonded and licensed contractors.

At the time, liberals suggested there might be some small moral and economic impacts from going into playgrounds, schools and churches and dragging people out by their hair. Others said that it was structurally impossible to forcibly eject millions of people through deportation, a complex process that requires legal hearings, processing facilities and significant outlays of manpower and capital.

Well, we say bully to that. Specifics, schmecifics. You're all getting bogged down in the details. The deportations are gonna happen, and they're gonna work, and it's gonna be super easy and not a big deal at all, and everyone is going to thank their lucky stars in a few months that the Supreme Court erected an impenetrable shield between Donald Trump and the consequences of his actions.

So, to summarize: Everything is going according to plan. Trump has solved election integrity, tariffs are again suspicious, and the upcoming deportation tsunami isn't at all fraught with potential dangers.

Now, don't you all feel better?

To learn more about Georgia Garvey, visit GeorgiaGarvey.com.

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