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Q: I'm a mom in a house of boys (three young sons, one husband). I grew up with two sisters myself -- i.e., "just us girls" -- so the constant competition between my little guys has been a real shock. Should I encourage or discourage my sons' competitive nature?

Jim: I've heard this same lament from many outnumbered mothers. There are exceptions, of course, but most boys are wired to compete. Just watch how a group of boys plays together sometime -- it's the same in virtually every culture. If they don't have a game suitable to battle one another, they'll create one. They'll turn rocks and sticks into guns and swords, or wadded up T-shirts become balls for some new competition they invent.

In their younger days, my own sons spent hours building fortresses out of Legos only to see who could destroy them with a well-aimed tennis ball. They're both adults now, and still compete with each other -- and me!

But it's not all fun and games. Win or lose, the skills and discipline boys learn when they compete will be pivotal to them later when they're responsible for a career, a mortgage and a family of their own. Ultimately, raising boys is about raising confident men who are equipped to take on the world around them.

That's why I don't think it's helpful for parents to throttle their sons' competitive spirit. I think you should teach them how to harness their strength, instead -- and to use it in productive ways that benefit not just themselves, but other people. Sure, they need boundaries, but don't be too heavy-handed with restrictions. Focus more on patience and instruction.

The goal is to channel the enthusiasm and direct their path. A boy in competition is a man in training.

Q: I've been married for years and really love my wife. But from how she talks on the phone to the way she squeezes the toothpaste to her latest cooking fad, I just find myself getting irritated; almost everything she does bugs me. I know I shouldn't be this way -- what can I do?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: If you find that you're only able to notice negative things about your spouse -- or anyone, for that matter -- you can be 99.9% sure you're "under the influence" of negative beliefs. And when all you see is the weaknesses of your spouse's personality, you're heading down a dangerous road.

Psychologists call this tendency "confirmation bias." It basically means that whatever you're looking for in someone's behavior (your bias) is exactly what you'll notice (your confirmation). In essence, that person is powerless against your beliefs because -- you guessed it -- they can't control you or your thoughts.

You must fight these corrosive beliefs in any relationship, but especially in your marriage. You can best do this by adopting an "I could be wrong" attitude and giving your wife the benefit of the doubt. Basically, this means having a perspective that honestly leaves room for the possibility that you've misinterpreted some irritating behavior you notice in your mate. You can work toward conquering negativity by giving your wife the gift of believing the best about her and her intentions. After all, isn't that what you'd want her to do for you?

One practical way to jump-start this process is to write a list of every reason you love your wife and what originally drew you to her. When you find yourself getting irritated, step away and read through the list. Repeat as necessary. And try to find at least one new positive thing each week to add to the list. Keep it going -- and growing -- to help re-focus your perspective.

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Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

Copyright 2025 Focus On The Family. (This feature may not by reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without written permission of Focus on the Family.)

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