Q. My ex is impossible. Each time we go back to court, I hope for a different outcome, but nothing is ever changed. No one understands! How do you co-parent with someone you cannot agree with? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Disagreements don’t stop co-parents from co-parenting well. Conflict is normal, but you do have to create an environment where you can safely disagree and hopefully find a compromise. (Good Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 10, "Look for the compromise.”) If you let disagreement be the deciding factor when you attempt to problem-solve, you will never work through a problem. “Oh, we disagree. End of discussion.”

Disagreements can be an opportunity to discuss your fears and differences, and find a way to work together FOR YOUR KIDS. (Good Ex-Etiquette Rule No. 1, "Put the children first.")

The true measure of good co-parenting is transparency. That means co-parents must be authentic, open, honest and straight-forward. (Good Ex-Etiquette Rule No. 8.) They have no hidden agenda and are both there for their children.

It doesn’t matter what happened in the past. Good co-parenting is all about the present and the future. What kind of relationship do you want with your child’s other parent NOW? Is your agenda about what you want or what is best for your children? The co-parenting relationship YOU develop from this point on is up to YOU. You set the stage.

Now, let’s address expecting court to make changes when you feel you are at a standstill with your child’s other parent. The fact that you do not get along with your ex is not a reason for the court to intercede. The court sees that as your problem to solve and expects co-parents to work together to find solutions and make appropriate changes.

The court will intercede when the children are not safe. Unfortunately, that is difficult to prove. Bruises can be seen and will be the catalyst for change. Emotional distress is not as easily seen as bruises, so it may take the court much longer to determine emotional abuse, if ever.

With this in mind, it’s time to check yourself. Nothing is more important than the well-being of your children—certainly not winning a disagreement with an ex. That’s why compromise is so important. Your children’s well-being depends on it.

Finally, when I ask my clients who are at odds how they problem-solve when they disagree, they look at me like I’m crazy. It is as if it is understood that exes don’t have a plan to work through problems. Co-parents must, or all they are offering their children is an ineffective way to fight. Kids think, “Dad or Mom yells, I will yell.” Or “Dad or Mom cries and stomps out of the room, that’s what I will do.”

It is far more effective to say to your child, especially after a break-up, “Dad and I have to discuss that, and we will let you know what we decide.” Then once you come to a compromise, present it to your child as, “We discussed it, and this is what we decided…”

Neither parent was thrown under the bus, and you’ve given your children a positive problem-solving model. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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