Elderly Grandfather: … And that was the day I met your grandmother, successfully landed an airplane with no working engines carrying my entire platoon, and won a hot dog-eating contest.

Kid rolls his eyes.

Kid Whisperer: Feel free to stay here as long as you can show proper respect to your elders and act pleasantly.

Kid (rolling his eyes again): Whatever. Though I have never accomplished anything in my lifetime, I found this old man’s story to be trite and derivative.

Kid Whisperer: Yikes. We’re leaving.

Kid Whisperer and Kid leave.

Later, while calm at home:

Kid Whisperer: Yikes. I am so sorry. I think I have accidentally failed to teach you how to be pleasant and kind. As a result, you have acted unpleasantly and unkindly. In addition, I made you think that it was OK to act like that, because when you acted unpleasantly and unkindly, I didn’t do anything about it. Again, this is my fault. I’m the adult, and you are the kid, and I’m supposed to teach you how to act, and take action when you fail.

So, that changes right now. Being kind and pleasant is now required in this family. You are not ready to be around the general public. So, I’m going to teach you here in the house to be pleasant and kind. I’ll mention when you’re doing it right, so you know what that looks and sounds like, but I won’t be lecturing you about it. Once you show me that you are ready to be in public by being pleasant and kind, you can leave our house. Until then, you can be at home or at church, because those are required. All other time will be spent training to be able to go back into public.

It is kind and loving to teach your child how to have a positive personality, so they don’t have to endure undue suffering brought upon him by The World.

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