Mom Dreads Impending Empty Nest Feelings

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and my son is about to leave for his mission to Argentina for the next two years. While I am proud of him and his decision to serve, the thought of him being so far away for so long is really hard for me. We've always been close, and I've watched him grow into such a compassionate, thoughtful young man. The idea of not having him around and having minimal contact with him, especially knowing he'll be facing new challenges in a foreign country, fills me with a mixture of pride, worry and sadness.

I want to be supportive and show him how much I believe in him, but I can't shake this overwhelming sense of loss. I know this is a big part of our faith and many families go through this, but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm worried about how I'll cope with his absence and how to fill the void that he'll be leaving. How can I find peace with him leaving and stay strong for both of us? -- On Mission

DEAR ON MISSION: Surround yourself with other parents whose children are on mission. Find solace in talking to them about your hopes, dreams and worries. It is natural for you to feel some anxiety about your child going so far away for so long, especially since you two are so close. The good news is that you know he is in good hands. He will not be alone. He will receive guidance from the leadership there.

You can stay in touch, albeit not the ways in which we have grown comfortable in this cellphone age. Figure out the frequency with which you two can communicate. Are you allowed to speak by phone or text? Can you begin a letter-writing relationship? That could be beautiful for now and as memories in the future.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I once dreamed of having a baby together someday. When I found out I was pregnant, we immediately went to the hospital to confirm it. My boyfriend and I were so happy with the news that I thought this would make our relationship grow stronger, but the exact opposite happened.

He became distant and irritable, arguing with me constantly and stressing me out, unable or unwilling to understand the changes I was going through because of my pregnancy. Then something terrible happened: I had a miscarriage. He blamed me for the loss, and without any compassion, he left me completely alone in my grief. What should I do? Should I find him, or should I stay away because it's already a toxic relationship? -- Broken Bonds

DEAR BROKEN BONDS: It seems that both of you struggled through the pregnancy and the aftermath of the miscarriage for different reasons. Your boyfriend clearly does not know how to process his feelings, including the grief of losing a child. While you may not want to reunite with him, it could be valuable to have a conversation where each of you shares what you have been experiencing.

Reach out to him directly or through his friends to say you would like to talk without the expectation of reuniting. If he responds, make the effort to work through what happened and how you are dealing with it. If he does not respond, it is time for you to pivot. You cannot force anyone to deal with their life's circumstances. Recovering from a miscarriage can be difficult. Tend to yourself and move on.

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(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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