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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year for about 25 people. Most are traveling in from out of town. I have expressed that people do not need to bring anything, and I mean it.

I've gotten negative reactions from people who say I'm not being helpful. Is part of being a good host providing ideas for what everyone can bring? There are only so many things you can bring to Thanksgiving dinner that you can also bring on a plane (i.e., maybe a box of chocolates).

GENTLE READER: To Miss Manners' puzzlement, there are certain so-called etiquette rules that have been so thoroughly pounded into everyone that even the otherwise-rude will obey them.

You know the baffling "rule" that forbids anyone, even guests, from using guest towels -- items that seem to have achieved a weird fetish status. Another rule-that-isn't is that when invited to dinner, guests must bring part of the meal.

To be clear, this is a reasonable practice for communal meals that have been identified as such in advance. And Thanksgiving often is one.

But the potluck approach is now relentlessly applied to all meals, regardless of the explicitly stated wishes of the host. Guests would rather make nuisances of themselves than show up, as it is described, "empty-handed."

Yes, it is admirable to share the work. But the traditional way of doing so is to take turns entertaining.

Miss Manners is aware that many people prefer the pay-as-you-go method. Some hosts do, too, to the point of assigning catering to guests who have not volunteered. And some guests consider it a substitute for reciprocating.

But there has to be an opt-out clause for the many who, like you, have told Miss Manners that they try in vain to discourage it. They plan meals and do not want additions. Or they don't want people taking over their kitchens. And maybe they would like to be invited out without having to bring a sloshing pot with them.

As versions of "Oh, thank you, don't bother" are brushed off, you will have to be sterner. Perhaps, "I'm making a full meal, so I won't be able to serve anything else. If there is extra food, I'm going to ask people to take it to a shelter so it doesn't go to waste."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A "friend" who gossips knows my husband and I are having difficulties, and yesterday she asked me if he is "chasing after other women." What should I have said?

GENTLE READER: The response Miss Manners suggests is, "Not that I know of. But if he is chasing after you, do you want me to tell him to stop?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in a restaurant and the waiter, unasked, brought extra napkins. I became very self-conscious, thinking I must be making a mess. I checked my mirror and as far as I could tell, everything was fine, but I still felt embarrassed.

Sometimes I do need extra napkins, but I prefer to ask for them myself. On the other hand, I appreciate when a waiter refills my water without waiting to be asked, so I wouldn't want to discourage their being alert and helpful.

What is your take?

GENTLE READER: That you embarrass much too easily.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2024 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2024 JUDITH MARTIN