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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A close friend planned to throw a party themed around a pop-culture phenomenon she is passionate about, but that I have no interest in (and actually quite dislike). I initially declined to attend, but when her guest list grew too large for her planned venue, I agreed to allow her to use my larger home for it.

I thought I would make other plans that evening, but many of the attendees are my good friends, and I would love to see them before/after the main activity.

Is it rude to half-attend a party if it's in my house?

GENTLE READER: Since you are the de facto host, why not just make yourself busy during that time, doing host-y things?

Any implication that you detest the phenomenon for which everyone has gathered will not be kindly met. Miss Manners suggests instead that you slip out quietly to "refresh the bar" and "replenish the food" -- even if that takes the exact length of the event to accomplish.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I do not eat out often, but when we do, we like to go to a nice restaurant and usually have a bottle of wine.

One thing that annoys us is when the server stops by frequently to refill our glasses (often when they are still nearly full). Not only does this interrupt our conversation, but it feels like they are trying to get us to finish the bottle more quickly.

What is the best way to let them know we prefer to pour our wine ourselves?

GENTLE READER: Put your hand over your glass and say politely, "Thank you. I am not quite finished with this glass and we don't want to trouble you, so we can pour the remainder ourselves."

Miss Manners will join you in hoping that the waiter does not react poorly to being admonished for simply doing his job -- for instance, by continuing to pour right over your hand.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sent a text message to invite an 80-year-old friend of our family, who is very dear to us, and very kind and humble, to an event.

I received a response, but it was not an answer to my invite. Instead, it was a very personal and sensitive message intended for someone else.

I don't know if she realized her mistake, and I'm hesitant to tell her, since I do not want to embarrass her. However, if I don't tell her, she may continue to believe that she sent it to the right person.

Should I tell her what happened, or let her find out herself?

GENTLE READER: How would she do the latter without also finding out that she had mistakenly sent her reply to your message to someone else? And subsequently torturing herself, wondering who that person was?

Miss Manners suggests, instead, that you tell her what happened. And then while she gathers her composure, quickly follow up to say that you still hope she can attend your event.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2024 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2024 JUDITH MARTIN