ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like you to address behavior at the open mic at a funeral. Some people have a knack for comforting the grieving and eliciting gentle laughter with a sweet story. Others have droned on about knowing the deceased very well ... cutting to the chase, it turns out they just filled their gas tank a few times. (True story!)

How does one handle such situations graciously?

GENTLE READER: It seems obvious to Miss Manners that it is a terrible idea to ask people, most of whom have no experience with public speaking, to improvise at a time of great emotion. But she seems to be alone in this.

If you must provide such a forum, station someone with sufficient fortitude, experience, tact -- and, if possible, emotional detachment from the deceased -- near the microphone who can intervene when necessary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been married for 26 years, and he has a habit of accepting praise for things I have done.

We had a 50-person dinner party, for which we shared the cooking. A day after the party, our neighbor was telling us how much he enjoyed the dinner. He looked at my husband and told him that his favorite part of the meal was my husband's soup.

My husband nodded but failed to tell the man that I made the soup. So I had to pipe up and say, "You are very welcome." I still don't think the man understood that my husband did not make the soup.

This is a pattern. For a family reunion, we volunteered to make a decorative beer stein as a memento. I did all of the artwork, and the two of us dealt with the pottery studio.

My husband took all the credit. No one knew that I was the artist. His aunt and uncle wrote a letter telling my husband how beautiful the stein was. My husband has not written them to tell them that I designed it.

What do I do in the future? It there a polite way for me to set the record straight? It is extremely frustrating to work on something and have another person take the praise.

GENTLE READER: Some shared credit is inevitable and harmless, but Miss Manners understands you to be talking about larger, identifiable items. For you to intervene in the moment would be both undignified and look bad to the guests.

This is a conversation to have with your husband, who will have to learn to say, "I am so glad you enjoyed that. Lana made it."

This will require some adjustment on his part. He has had 26 years of contrary behavior, but you have also had 26 years to teach him the consequences of behavior you have identified as unacceptable.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am invited to attend my nephew's wedding later this summer. On their website, instead of gifts, they are requesting money for a European honeymoon.

I happen to own a house on the Adriatic coast of Italy that stands open and available for use during most of the year. Would it be appropriate for me to offer the use of the house in lieu of a monetary gift?

GENTLE READER: Certainly. But are you sure you want to?

========

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2024 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2024 JUDITH MARTIN