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DEAR MISS MANNERS: In my grandparents' home, no food was allowed to go to waste. After a meal, if there was any food left on someone's plate, it would either be claimed by someone else or added to the soup pot that was always on the stove. If someone had gravy left on their plate and no bread to sop it up, they were allowed to lick the plate.

This was because my grandparents had left Europe to escape famine; wasting food was a matter of life and death. So manners are situational as well as cultural.

Knowing this, if you are a guest in a home representing an unfamiliar culture, would it be smart to discreetly ask the host or hostess if there are any special manners expected of you? You could do this at the door while you thank them for the invitation. If you were invited by a friend, should you ask them ahead of time?

GENTLE READER: No. And Miss Manners fears the consequences of inviting every hostess to improvise new rules for hungry guests at the front door.

But you cite an interesting example. Current dinner guests of your grandparents should not be considered disrespectful of your grandparents' life experience if they expect any licking of plates to occur out of sight.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have never had a good memory, and now, in my 70s, my memory could be classified as poor.

I just invited a friend to see "Dune 2" with me, and he reminded me that he had declined to join me for the original "Dune," so why would he want to go to the sequel?

He did attach a laughing emoji, but it still stung.

At a different friend's house, I admired some brickwork and asked who had done the installation, because I need some similar work done. She reminded me -- making her annoyance clear -- that I had asked before, and that she had told me the person no longer did that kind of work.

In both of these cases, I apologized for my poor memory. But I wonder if there is a way I can remind people that these memory lapses aren't really my fault, and that the kind thing to do is let them pass.

GENTLE READER: Your second friend was just being rude, and the proper way to acknowledge that is to make your apology perfunctory.

But are we so sure your friend with the emoji was not trying to be funny? Miss Manners suspects he did not really expect you to remember his having turned down an invitation to the original "Dune," which premiered 40 years ago. Even if he was referring to the more recent film, it might have lightened your own mood to answer, "I thought that after 40 years, your tastes might have changed for the better."

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2024 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2024 JUDITH MARTIN