ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in a small beach community. Five years ago, we met a lovely couple who have a vacation home across the street. We are all semi-retired. They are both gourmet chefs and entertainers, and invite us over about eight times a year.

It's always fun. They also invite other couples for dinner throughout the year on other nights.

We usually take them some small gift of flowers or a book, and have taken them out on three different occasions, but we aren't the same level of skilled chefs, and the layout of their house works better for gatherings.

I've talked to them many times about taking them out to reciprocate, but they say "no need" and seem happiest as the hosts. Should I just accept that? It seems like we owe them something for their generosity.

GENTLE READER: While one is not absolutely required to reciprocate in kind, some form of reciprocation to hospitality is only polite.

Miss Manners agrees that you are not required to chase them down the street with takeout menus, but general expressions of intent are not invitations. "We would love to take you out sometime," if abandoned at the first "Really, there is no need," is not a proper invitation.

If you keep accepting their dinner invitations, you will have to issue real invitations of your own -- such as, "We would love to take you to dinner at Maxim's. How is next Friday or Saturday?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who retells the same stories over and over and over again. It's like he cannot recall telling them to me before, or he just wants to re-experience them himself -- and who cares whether I have to hear them again.

I don't know. It makes me feel very irritated. I have tried gently indicating that I have already heard that story. But that has not helped. Today, my "irritation-pot" boiled over, and I snapped at him, telling him that I had already heard that story, including the circumstances in which he last told it to me.

He went silent and did not respond to my snapping comment, so I am left wondering whether he understood what I was saying -- that his retelling stories irritates me.

We are both guys, and we don't talk about feelings -- I believe that is common for men. I'm left wondering what to do about this.

GENTLE READER: Expressing your feelings as you did was what got you in trouble, and you are going to need to apologize for that.

After that, Miss Manners recommends diplomacy, humor and patience: Most people repeat themselves sometimes, usually out of habit or carelessness -- not with the intention to hurt or annoy someone. Keep that in mind the next time you say you've already heard that one, so that you can smile and, without rancor, change the subject.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the polite way to have a conversation during meals? I do not mean formal dinners, just ordinary family dinners or lunch with friends. On the one hand, we cannot talk with our mouths full. On the other, eating in silence misses the point of a shared meal, no?

GENTLE READER: Say something. Between bites, that is.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2024 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2024 JUDITH MARTIN