Repeat As Needed: 'no, Thank You'
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few years ago, I developed a gluten intolerance. While I am blessed that it isn't full-blown celiac disease, I am unable to eat many everyday treats, such as the free donuts in the break room at work.
My co-workers have no issue with my not eating a donut; not only do I work with lovely people, but it is a small office and everyone knows of my predicament.
But when I'm out and about, I can run into issues.
I was at the library and was offered a cupcake -- it was a librarian's birthday, and she had received a whole box of them. I told her "Thank you, but no thank you." Likely assuming I had demurred out of politeness, she very kindly insisted.
I didn't quite know what to say, but when I mentioned being unable to eat the cupcakes, she seemed to deflate a little. It was obvious she hadn't meant to be rude, even if no offense was taken, and it made me feel bad in turn.
Do you have any advice for what I should say the next time I encounter someone trying to be nice by innocently offering me a snack? I can deal with the rude people who say things like, "It's not that big of a deal! Everyone has an allergy these days." But I find myself at a loss when it comes to those who mean well and have nothing but kindness in their hearts.
GENTLE READER: Meaning well is offering you a cupcake. Meaning well is not, however, using emotional blackmail to make you eat something you have politely declined.
The social weaponizing of food is a modern concept that has created no end of trouble. If people would stop monitoring what others are eating or not eating, the world would go around a lot faster.
Miss Manners assures you that in such a situation, you need only keep repeating "No, thank you" until either the food bully is discouraged, or the cupcake has aged so much as to be unsuitable for consumption.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was fortunate enough to inherit my mother's thick and wavy hair. Since I stopped coloring it a few years ago, it has turned a lovely shiny silver and white. I know this is not an accomplishment of any sort; it is simply the luck of the gene pool draw.
Strangers frequently approach me to say how much they admire my hair, and I don't know how to respond. Typically, I say "thank you" and keep moving, but I am afraid it sounds a bit arrogant, as though I hear this all the time, or dismissive, as though I won't acknowledge that the person is trying to make my day.
What is the polite way to handle this?
GENTLE READER: Try saying "thank you" as if you do not hear this all the time and are pleased by it. These people are saying it to you for the first time, and are hoping to please you.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2024 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2024 JUDITH MARTIN
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