ArcaMax

Dear Annie: My elderly mother bought a house on the West Coast to be near my younger brother and me after my father passed away a few years ago. She had always relied on my father to handle finances and major life decisions, so it's been a difficult adjustment for her to take on these responsibilities herself. Even though she purchased the new house over 18 months ago, she's still living in her old home on the East Coast, which she hasn't been able to sell due to my older brother's severe hoarding problem.

My older brother, who has been living with her, suffers from undiagnosed mental health issues, including anxiety and depression. He's been unable to hold a steady job, so he's lived with my parents for years. My older brother lacks insight into his hoarding disorder and doesn't believe in medicine (i.e., he believes therapy and medication are part of a larger government conspiracy), so there is no hope of him getting the help he needs, despite our attempts to persuade him.

For years, my mother has asked him to move his things out of her East Coast house, but he hasn't. His mental illness, lack of funds and inability to plan for the future have all contributed to his refusal. Meanwhile, my mother is paying property taxes on both homes and a mortgage on the empty West Coast house, unable to sell her current home. I've tried to help by researching tenant laws, consulting attorneys and even paying for a hoard removal service, but nothing has changed. After said research, the only solution seems to be kicking my older brother out of the house so she can then have the legal authority to remove his stuff; she already went through a half-measure like this, which ended in the hoard team leaving on the first day out of concerns for their staff's safety and my older brother in major distress.

My mother and brother have a toxic, codependent relationship. He frequently alludes to suicide whenever she pushes him to move out or clean up, which makes her back down every time. She's unable to set firm boundaries that prioritize her own well-being, and she constantly says, "He has nowhere to go." It's clear he will never leave voluntarily, and they both continue living in misery, unable to move forward.

I've had to distance myself emotionally because the situation was taking a toll on my own mental health, despite my efforts to help. I urged my mother to see a therapist, and she's finally started going. She's learning about boundaries, but I'm worried it will be a long time, if ever, before she's able to put that knowledge into practice. Her beautiful new home sits empty, and she's stuck in a financial and emotional bind.

Is there anything else I can do to help her? Any advice for my mom? I'm heartbroken that she might never make it out here, and I don't know what to do next. -- Desperate Daughter

Dear Desperate: You've done everything in your power to help your mother with this incredibly difficult situation. Unfortunately, it is up to her to set boundaries with your brother and make the moves she needs to get to her West Coast home. I wish it were possible to handle this more amicably, but with your brother's mental health issues keeping him from getting the help he needs, eviction looks more and more like her only way forward.

I commend your mother for getting into therapy, and I agree that while it may take time, this is where she will gain the tools she needs to take action in her life. Perhaps with her therapist's help, your mother can figure out a way to get your brother psychiatric treatment, especially if he has, as you mentioned, contemplated hurting himself. One thing is for sure -- this deadlock cannot go on.

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"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.