ArcaMax

Dear Eric: I am 62 (F) and my husband is 65 (M). While our older children have good jobs and work hard for their families, our youngest child, well, doesn't.

Our child can't seem to hold a job, getting laid off or leaving them. He has been unemployed, once again, since June. And now we found out that his wife is getting laid off at the end of October.

The problem is they come to us for money. All. The.Time. My husband, bless his heart, can't say no.

However, my husband is retired, and I am planning to retire at the end of the year. I keep asking my husband how much money he will continue to give to this child. He says that he won't jeopardize our future/retirement, but I feel that he 1) won't stop, 2) already has, and 3) will resent me if he does stop and something happens to said child.

How do I convince my husband that he is enabling our child and that a change needs to be made? And how can we help said child without compromising our future and making the other children resentful?

– Drowning in Our Child's Debt

Dear Drowning: Inadvertently (or not) your child is taking advantage of you, using your generosity as a safety net and also as a cushion to protect him from having to make hard choices or face consequences.

Bring in a third party, namely a financial adviser, and set the goal of building a reasonable and protective budget for retirement that allows for emergencies and all the things you want to do. You can also build in a line item for helping your son. And, with the adviser, have a serious conversation with your husband about whether the budget reflects your values and can be honored.

This is a place to talk about your fears using the specifics of numbers. Your husband has to accept that he can’t fix every problem for your child, but that’s his work to do and you can’t force him, too. What you can do is bring in help to craft the next phase of your life financially and put in safeguards that keep your husband’s compassion from getting the best of him.

Dear Eric: I am 68 and my hubby is 73. We live in a condo that used to belong to my parents. We paid off the mortgage. We are current with HOA fees and insurance.

Before their deaths, my parents wanted my husband and I to move there, while they went to a 55-and-over community. Unfortunately, both passed within the year.

My two sisters knew we were going to live at the condo. My middle sister (seven years older) was appointed power of attorney and dispersed all funds that our parents had saved for us.

That was more than 30 years ago.

Now, my sister calls me in a very nasty tone out of the blue and tells my hubby and I that it’s not fair for us to live rent free. Mind you my hubby and I have finished paying off this house, we pay the house taxes, homeowners’ insurance, we’ve spent more than $7,000 having the house painted and fixed up.

Now she wants the deed, payoff info, house taxes, HOA information, so she can pay it, and then we can pay her rent. She kept saying/screaming that we have to pay and it’s not fair that we live here rent free. Maybe you can help me understand her thinking!

– Home Owner

Dear Home: There’s a world in which your sister might believe that your parents’ condo should have been passed to the three siblings, and she’d now have one-third ownership (or you’d have to have bought her out).

But that’s not what your parents chose to do. And the time to bring this up was when they passed the condo to you or when their estates were being settled 30 years ago.

I’m not sure what she plans to do now. From your letter it seems she wants to buy the house from you and then charge you rent? That accomplishes nothing. Even if she wants to charge you rent for the piece of the home to which she feels she’s entitled, it still doesn’t seem like it’s going to work out in a sensible way for her.

It’s clear that she’s been stewing on this hurt for a while. You may want to ask her what this is really about and what prompted it, if you can manage a calm conversation with her.

I doubt your sister has standing to bring this to court but check my math with an estate attorney. Though you don’t have the funds to hire one for on-going work, paying for a one-time consultation may put your mind at ease.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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