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Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for more than 30 years and enjoy each other's company. As many couples, after many years there are certain things that we do that get on each other's nerves. He has always been a neat and organized person, and I have always been a bit messy. My closet is usually messy, and I forget to put things in their place, so he usually reminds me. I am autistic (functional), have ADD and, at this point of my life, menopause. This is not an excuse but a reason why things are difficult for me to remember.

Lately, his attitude when reminding me or helping me has been just plain mean. He talks to me as if I'm a child, scolding me and making me feel terrible. At first, I cried about it and really tried my best to change and remember things but now when he confronts me, I get angry. I tell him I don't appreciate being treated as a child which, in turn, makes him angry. After a few hours, we get over it but a few days later it happens again. Is it me? Is it him?

– Tired of Mess Stress

Dear Tired: Well, it’s not you; I’ll tell you that. Your husband may wish that you were neater or that you remembered the things he wants you to, but right now that’s his problem and not yours. Here’s why: he’s not accepting you for who you are nor is he tempering his response enough to communicate clearly. Being mean doesn’t inspire anyone to change. He could be coming to you with solutions or at least with the attitude that you’re both trying your best.

As hard as I’ve been on him, let’s take a step back and assume that he’s also trying his best. Perhaps there are aspects of your shared life that started off as little annoyances for him and now have boiled over into resentments. He may feel powerless over this resentment, but he’s not. That’s something that he can work on.

He may have gotten it in his head that you’re doing these things on purpose or that you could snap your fingers and change. The sooner he accepts reality, the easier it will be for both of you to find solutions that meet both of your needs.

I highly recommend the book “Dirty Laundry: Why Adults with ADHD Are So Ashamed and What We Can Do to Help.” Written by married couple Roxanne Emery and Richard Pink, one of whom has ADHD, it offers resources for both people who are neurodivergent and their partners, as well as models for how to have more productive conversations.

Dear Eric: I have a nephew who is disrespectful and condescending to me. He has been since he was a little boy but is now over 30. My husband and son tell me he just always needs to be the smartest person in the room and not to take it personally. But I'm tired of it.

Last holiday season I vowed to push back, softly and politely, but he did his condescending thing in front of and in the hearing of a dozen relatives and I worried even a polite rebuke would sound mean, so I sat there and took it silently, like I always have, and I've felt like a wuss ever since. The holidays are coming up again. How can I stand up for myself without turning the family against me?

– Annoyed Aunt

Dear Aunt: I’m curious why the family would turn against you for speaking up. Are they also bullies? Or is your hesitation about how you feel you’ll be perceived? Part of bullying, sometimes, is convincing the bullied person that self-advocacy is rude, or socially unacceptable, or even bullying itself. This can come from one person, or it can be a collective creation.

If your family really would turn against you for saying “please don’t speak to me that way” or something like that, they are actually already against you.

So, you don’t have anything to lose by advocating for yourself. I know it’s easier said than done but ask yourself if an environment where people will get mad at you for pushing back on condescension is one that actually supports you. There are ways of building trust, support and better communication. I find that holiday dinners are usually not the best places to get into the nitty-gritty, but it’s never a bad time to set a boundary. Your husband and son can also back you up on this.

A last thought: it’s actually OK to be mean in the face of disrespect. It doesn’t sound like anything you’d say would reach that level. But even if polite rebuke turns to semi-polite rebuke, you’ll still be in the right.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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