Ask the Pediatrician: How to help your child avoid the pitfalls of perfectionism

Every parent wants their child to be successful in life. But young people sometimes set excessively high standards for themselves. If something they do isn't flawless, they may become overly self-critical. Their pursuit of perfection can become unhealthy and actually interfere with what they want to accomplish.

As adolescents face the challenges of growing up, we can prepare them to be high achievers rather than perfectionists.

You can help your child or teen avoid or overcome the negative effects of perfectionism.

First, help them develop a “growth mindset,” a concept studied extensively by Dr. Carol Dweck and colleagues.

Research shows how praise and criticism can lead to a "fixed mindset," rather than a healthier "growth mindset." For example, children praised for being smart are more likely to grow to fear being seen as anything else, while those noticed for effort develop a passion for growth.

Young people with a growth mindset believe their intelligence can be developed with effort. When they don't do something as well as they hoped, they don't see themselves as failures, but as learners. In contrast, people with a fixed mindset (including perfectionists) may believe people are either smart or not, and that failure proves you're not. They may even believe that having to work hard at something suggests a lack of natural intelligence.

People with a growth mindset feel successful when they can do something they couldn't do before, whereas those with fixed mindsets feel smart when they avoid errors.

To help your child build a growth mindset, praise the effort, rather than the product. For example, instead of saying, "I just expect you to do your best," say something like:

"All I expect is for you to put in a good effort. I care less about your grades and more about the fact that you are learning," or

"Some things come easily to me, and with even a little effort, I will always do well. In other subjects, I might work really hard and still not do as well as I wish I could. But all I want from you is to stretch yourself and learn."

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