ArcaMax

When we got the last-minute invite to a Christmas party at someone's house, I didn't realize I had a problem until I was waiting for the elevator to take us up.

"Oh no! I don't have a gift," I said to my husband.

"What?" he replied.

"I don't have a gift," I repeated. "I don't have a hostess gift. We've never been to this woman's apartment ...Read more

"Is it still spitting out there?" I asked my husband as he walked in the door. It was dark and gray outside and was forecast to rain all day, but I couldn't tell if it was actually raining at that moment or not.

He shook out his umbrella and dropped it on the floor.

"I don't like the word 'spitting,'" he said.

I thought for a moment.

"How ...Read more

"Ow!"

I woke up with a start when my husband's left arm whacked me in the head. I rolled over to yell at him and saw that he was sound asleep. His hands, however, were wide awake and keeping a perfect 3/4 time to some mystery concerto.

Sadly, this was not the first time this had happened. My husband works in the music industry, and like most...Read more

I wouldn't say I'm a slave to fashion, but I do like to follow some of the trends each season. I usually get just a few pieces that ultimately look more age-appropriate on my daughter than me, but I get them anyway and I'm happy even if I do look like an idiot. So imagine my dismay when I found out that two of the big looks this year were ......Read more

"I'll have the burger," my husband said to the server when she came to take our lunch order.

"Would you like a salad or fries with that?" she asked.

"Salad," he said definitively.

"No, fries," I corrected him.

"I don't want fries," he said.

"But I do, and my sandwich doesn't come with them," I explained.

He rolled his eyes and shrugged ...Read more

I have a talking dog.

We didn't know it when we got him, of course. He didn't reveal this talent to us right away. He would vocalize occasionally in dog-speak, but no one really had any idea what he was saying because he spoke in his language, and we spoke in ours, and there was no Rosetta Stone program for either of us. But then one morning ...Read more

"Hey, look at that," said my husband, staring out the window. "There are people doing yoga on the roof of that building." We were on the 20th floor of a building in New York City, having a romantic dinner at a chic restaurant known for its great food and beautiful views.

"What are they doing?" he wondered aloud. "Oh. Oh no!"

"What? What is ...Read more

"Hi! Would you like to try a delicious, gluten-free, dairy-free ravioli?" asked a woman standing behind a small table in the pasta section of the grocery store. The table was set with a dozen small cups that each contained one ravioli. She raised one of the cups and thrust it at me with a fork. The ravioli looked innocuous enough, and I had ...Read more

When I decided to color my hair, it was not because I suddenly had a desire to be a blonde bombshell or a foxy redhead. As a fifty-something-year-old, I would need more than a bottle of hair dye to transform into a bombshell or a fox. I suspect it would have taken full-body liposuction and a stupendously gifted fairy godmother. Fortunately, ...Read more

For all the obsessing I've done about my body parts, the one area that has always escaped the harsh glare of my overcritical eye is my feet. Certainly they are not perfect feet, and Manolo Blahnik would never beat down my door to have me model his shoes. But as feet go, they are fairly unassuming; I would even go so far as to say cute. I ...Read more

"When's dinner?" my husband asked me when he got home as I stood in the kitchen stirring a sauce.

"Pretty soon," I replied.

"Do you mind if I close my eyes for a minute?" he requested, putting down his bag and taking off his jacket.

I nodded. When most people say they're going to close their eyes for a minute, they actually mean more like ...Read more

My husband is a Honeycrisp snob.

If you're not familiar with this, Honeycrisp is a kind of apple, and according to him, it is a superior apple. All other apples are lesser apples. He will not eat a Fuji, Gala or Pink Lady. Only Honeycrisp will do. My son will also only eat Honeycrisp apples. So, I guess in this case, the apple really doesn't ...Read more

Not that I'm obsessive or anything, but years ago when my kids were little, I would carry entire kiddie wardrobes around with me so that when my kids got dirty, I could strip them down on the spot and change their clothes.

Of course, this started to become pretty embarrassing for the kids by the time they hit 20, so I stopped.

It also meant ...Read more