Isn't it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid?

I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.

To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?

Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your frozen waffle.

My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think.

You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-VI dishwasher.

If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today.

The NFL is boring, the NBA is disintegrating, baseball is totally predictable. Maybe we do need the XFL. Maybe we need Nude Roller Derby. Maybe we need Sumo Hockey.

There's just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust.

One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.

I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.

Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?

Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn't the city fill in a few potholes?

Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum?

I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they're holding out for a remote that turns the pages.