ArcaMax

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?.
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..!

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?.
They both drop their needles!

What's Christmas called in England?.
Yule Britannia!

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?.
Thanks, I'll never part with it!

Why is a burning candle like ...Read more

You are parked in a space clearly designated for disabled persons. Please circle the statement which best describes your handicap:

- I don't read good.

- I suffer from terminal laziness.

- I have Attention Deficit Disorder. Huh?

- My inner child was bugging me for ice cream.

- My shoes are too expensive to walk in.

- Wheelchair symbol? I ...Read more

What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans?
Speaking Latin!

Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it?
Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me?

Why did Arthur have a round table?
So no one could corner him!

Who invented King Arthur's round table?
Sir Circumference...Read more

Dad called upstairs to his daughter when her boyfriend came to pick her up, "Dreamboat...your barnacle is here!"

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"Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the back?" --Unknown

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"I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. ...Read more

This may come off like another Festivus gripe, just an unpopular opinion about a pointless seasonal irritant. And it is, for sure, but bear with old Fezziwig.

Holiday inflatables have gotten out of hand. They're smooth, homogeneous and overexposed. When hyperactive homeowners barf up six pop culture franchises in a row, narrative arc becomes ...Read more

Dec. 31
Edward,
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!
Your ...Read more

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

...Read more

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush...Read more

How do fireflies start a race?
Ready steady glow!

If there are 5 flies in the kitchen how do you know which one is the American Football player?
The one in the sugar bowl!

How do you keep flies out of the kitchen?
Put a pile of manure in the living room!

What did one firefly say to the other?
Got to glow now!

What ...Read more

"Don't make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it?

First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice.

If you simply say, 'Don't make the same mistake,' you'll avoid the first mistake, won't you?"

~ George Carlin

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D".

What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!

What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost.

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the ...Read more

William Shakespeare's Sonnet 18 ("Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?") converted into the programming language ActionScript:

var summer:Object = {};
var thee:Object = {};

summer.name = "Summer Day";
thee.name = "Thee";

summer.lovelyness = 9;
thee.lovelyness = 10;

summer.temperature = 98;
thee.temperature = 98.6;...Read more

AUDI

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

All Un-informed Drivers Insulted

All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW

Big Money Works

Bought My Wife

Brutal Money Waster

BUICK

Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET

Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually ...Read more

A man was driving down the highway with a car full of penguins. Penguins sticking out the windows, penguins coming out the sunroof, penguin everywhere. A cop pulled him over and told him if he didn't want a ticket he'd better take those penguins straight to the zoo. The man promised he would and drove off.

The next day, the same highway, the ...Read more

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The ...Read more