Distant son ponders difficult family gathering
Dear Amy: I am in my 60s, the oldest of four children. My relationship with my family was distant, but for the last 10 years, I've attended a few family events (we are now all geographically scattered), kept in touch with my two brothers and have made an effort to see my mother, who's getting older and lives alone.
My sister hasn't liked me since high school. The last time I saw or talked to her was at my brother's wedding a dozen years ago.
My sister's son got married a few years ago. I was the only member of the immediate family who wasn't invited to the wedding. I was heartbroken.
My mother and my two brothers said nothing. They stood by and allowed her to treat me this way.
My mother's 89th birthday is coming up. My siblings are all traveling to where she lives to attend the celebration. Though I want to be part of it, I don't know if I can bring myself to be there.
This situation tears me apart. If I go, everyone will assume I'm "over it" and "all is forgiven." All is not forgiven. I'll never forgive my sister. And I harbor hurt and anger against my brothers and mother for standing by and allowing it to happen.
How do I decide whether to go? I keep thinking, "To thine own self be true."
-- Sad
Dear Sad: Do an accounting of the pluses and minuses of attending this event. On the plus side, you may reconnect with your mother. You may also avoid suffering from guilt later on. In the minus column, you will be in the presence of people who have hurt you.
The path toward going does involve acceptance, if not forgiveness. Acceptance means that you acknowledge the faults and failings of other people, which have had such an impact on you, and find a way to lean in toward your own truth.
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