ArcaMax

Dear Amy: I have spent many years struggling with my older daughter's attitude toward me (and many others). I have cried, sobbed and ranted (to myself), but I can't figure out what to do.

She is in her mid-30s, and spent her childhood going back and forth between her father and myself. Amicably. We all got along.

I am bipolar, and so is she. As she got older, she has changed. She talks to me like I am an idiot, treats me poorly and it hurts.

She has a wonderful 10-year-old daughter who I love, but with the slightest error on my part, she will cut off contact. She is out of contact with her older sister.

I love her and want to spend time with her, but I cannot take this much longer without saying something I would later regret. The people she works with love her, and so do her friends. I just want us to get along. Her father passed away three years ago and it darn near did her in, but she wouldn't accept any help with her grieving.

Any ideas? I can't handle this stress as well as I used to.

-- Sad Mom

Dear Sad Mom: If you and your daughter both have bipolar disorder, I hope you will use your own insight into the condition to guide your actions and reactions. If your daughter has changed with age, you have likely changed, too. Is there anything you could (or should) do differently? Is she being treated for her bipolar disorder, and if so, is she getting the care she needs and taking meds?

Ranting isn't called for, but honesty is, and to some extent you have to reach down and serenely let the consequences fall where they may. You cannot control her, or her reactions to you.

Acknowledge your daughter's challenges. Ask her what changes she would like to see both of you make. And when it's your turn, tell her that you have certain expectations: that she talk to you respectfully, and treat you the way she does her friends and co-workers. Tell her you are on her side and that you would like to have a positive and healthier relationship.

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