ArcaMax

Dear Amy: I live with my girlfriend and her daughter. I consider myself happy and do love her, but I have remained friends with my ex-girlfriend. We split about four years ago. I care about her and think of her often, although I don't intend to get back together. We consider each other good friends. There is nothing romantic or sexual.

Here's my problem: My ex doesn't know I have a girlfriend. I haven't told her out of fear that she won't approve.

Also -- my girlfriend doesn't know that I keep in touch with my ex (I haven't told her for obvious reasons), and I fear she would make me choose, and I would either lose any contact with the ex, or lose her. This is why I haven't shared this relationship with her.

I know I can't have it all, and I don't want to hurt anyone. Yes, I feel terribly guilty for all this.

I guess you could call me confused and a coward. Any advice?

-- Confused Coward

Dear Coward: The only thing you're really doing wrong here is lying, but the lying is huge and revelatory. It shows that you are more comfortable leading a bifurcated life than one that is whole, integrated and honest.

Guilt is your conscience's way of telling you to stop. You also might not be ready for this committed relationship. If your live-in relationship was the right one for you, you wouldn't lie to your partner and her child, keeping this other relationship in your back pocket. If your friendship with your ex was healthy, you wouldn't be afraid of her judgment concerning other relationships in your life.

But you aren't only lying to the women in your life; you are also lying to yourself.

If you were committed to having a healthy, exclusive relationship with your live-in family, you would cease contact with your ex. It is possible for people to have genuine friendships with exes, but only if the friendship is in the open and shared with the person who is supposed to be your primary partner.

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