ArcaMax

Dear Amy: When my husband and I married about 10 years ago, we were both ambivalent about having children.

My husband is a kind, generous man. I've gradually come around to wanting kids. I'm 40 now, so it's approaching "now or never" time for me.

My husband says he's willing to have babies, if that's what I really want. But here's the kicker; he's willing to do things like teach the kid to throw a football or take them to Disneyland, but says he won't do things like wake up in the middle of the night to feed a baby, change diapers, do extra laundry, etc.

So, basically, I'd be doing all the dirty work, while he would just get to swoop in and have fun with the kid when it suits him.

I picture myself being exhausted and frustrated with this scenario, but it's the only one in which I save my marriage and also have children. I already feel resentful of him being "the good guy" in a child's eyes, while I'm the boring nag.

Should I go ahead with a baby and hope he'll get on board once we're in the thick of it, or should I accept that this is a recipe for disaster?

-- Worried

Dear Worried: The scenario you describe: one parent doing the "dirty work" while the other parent swoops in for the fun stuff, is basically the unarticulated, unbalanced arrangement that many parents have. But most parents don't declare their intention to behave this way ahead of time. It just works out that way.

This is not necessarily a recipe for disaster, but it is a lonely road for a parent who is also in a marriage.

If you decide to have a baby, you should assume you will be on your own. Either you will be on your own with a husband napping on the couch, or you will be on your own because your marriage won't survive this stress and resentment.

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