Child victim faces abuser at family events
Dear Amy: I suffered regular sexual abuse at the hands of a cousin when I was between the ages of 5 and 8. He is eight years older than me.
I actually go years without thinking about it, but when it comes back to me I feel angry and in pain. I'm 46 years old now.
Over the last few years I have shared the secret with my sisters and a few close friends, but I will never tell my entire family. It would destroy my mother.
Today I will head to my uncle's funeral. My cousin will be there. I do not know what to do when I have to see him. He is a huge, charismatic man. Everyone loves him. I feel like an insignificant blip on the radar within the family.
In the past I have avoided him, but he will approach me in a way that implies I am "too good" to say hello. I have also just tried to greet him as I would anyone, with a brief hug and niceties.
He doesn't treat me any differently than my sisters, which makes me wonder if he even remembers what he did.
Am I a horrible person to just pretend during these moments that I have forgotten and go ahead with the niceties just in order to get through?
-- Unsure
Dear Unsure: Nothing about your behavior makes you a "horrible person." And nothing, and no one, should make you feel small and inconsequential. The age difference between you and your cousin puts his behavior in the predatory category when you were a child.
I want for you to feel big and empowered instead of small and invisible. Reaching out to this cousin privately to explain why you won't be offering hugs to him might help you to continue the process of putting this behind you. This carries risks, however, of opening a dialogue that you don't want to have, or perhaps hearing an unwelcome denial from him. A therapist should guide you.
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