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Man wonders why his 'Hollywood hello' goes badly

By Amy Dickinson, Tribune Content Agency on

Dear Amy: I'm a middle-aged, white, gay man living in West Hollywood. I'd like your advice on the proper way to give a friendly acknowledgment to women as I pass them on the street.

I try to make eye contact and smile when I walk past people. However, I often find that women respond in a way that suggests they feel threatened by my attention. For example, they look down at the ground and walk faster.

I'm not physically imposing. In West Hollywood, in particular, I figured women would assume that I'm gay and just being polite, with no potentially dangerous sexual overtones.

Pretending not to see someone seems rude and disrespectful. If I were to ignore a black or Latino man on the street, I would expect them to think I was being racist. Aziz Ansari's show "Master of None" included an episode where several women felt slighted when a man didn't make eye contact and shake hands with them as he did with their male companions.

I realize that I come from a position of relative safety and privilege that a random woman walking down the street alone might not enjoy.

What's the proper way for me to politely acknowledge a woman that lets her know I'm just being friendly and have no malicious intent? I want polite human contact, but I'm tired of people treating me as though I'm a threat. -- Hollywood Hello

 

Dear Hollywood: Based on my (limited) experience hanging out in West Hollywood, if a stranger were to greet me on the street, I'd immediately think, "Wow! You must be new in town." I don't think of LA as a "howdy stranger," kind of place.

You are overthinking this to an extreme degree. You assume that women don't meet your gaze because they are afraid of you. You also assume that all women have working gaydar, making all gay men immediately identifiable; and also that gay men are universally nonthreatening because -- according to your assumptions -- (white) gay men never commit crimes of violence.

If this is a universally persistent issue with you, get a friend to test your street vibe (by walking with you), and dial it down, if necessary.

Aziz Ansari could no doubt make a great episode for his series from this one question (Aziz, call me?), but you shouldn't create drama where there isn't any.

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